Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
