You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
