ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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