well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
