Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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