I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
