the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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