I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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