After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
