That's when you crack a 10am beer
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
