Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Randomize
