I showed him my bush... on skype.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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