Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I yelled at your uterus for you.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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