he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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