the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize