sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
