Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
