This is not my ceiling
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
