I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
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