I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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