seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
