As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
