I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize