The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Randomize
