WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
