i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I just threw up on my dentist
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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