my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
