Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
