I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Randomize
