Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
