There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
