Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
