If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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