it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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