Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
