Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
