"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
