I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
