how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Randomize
