So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
