never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
There r osticjed everywhere
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
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