My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
