he wants to bone in the snuggie
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
