I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
