Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
