I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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