Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
