Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
