So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
