remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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