You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
