Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
