Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
