the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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