just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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