Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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