OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize