I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
My ATM looks so different sober.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
