I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
she peed on how many people?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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