There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
