the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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