I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
