A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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