First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
