does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize